I knew some things that I wanted from this experience, and I will admit some of them were selfish ones. I was searching for an out, a way to remove myself from this toxic vortex that I have been caught in for the last couple of years. I felt like as years passed, I remained stagnant in life. It seemed like everyone had a plan, or an inkling towards their future: I had none of that, and it frightened me. I did not want to finish school with bags under my eyes asking myself what was the point of all this. I was tired of the waiting game, I just wanted to know my path already! Nicole described it perfectly —education became like an industry, where the certificate is all that matters in the end. Anything to escape from the threatening “McDonald’s lifer” image, I guess. We lose our sense of significance in the world, our ability to find joy in what we are doing, all to fit some mold of success. I remember liking English once upon a time, I remember the feeling of accomplishment I got from writing a paper I was proud of. Now all I feel is my brain shutting down every time I pick up a pen or place my fingertips on the keyboard —a non-resuscitative flat-line. Somewhere down the line I became a pessimist, not just about school but about everything.
Although that flat-line still persists, I see a light at the end of the tunnel, a tiny flicker of hope that was vacant before. I discovered this the day I found out I got placed in Uganda, but I discovered it through unconventional means. The second I read Uganda, I found myself thinking “something bad will happen to ruin this feeling”. It was that same day I got into a car accident. I am not going to inflate this by saying I received some sign from God that restored my faith and positivity about the world. It was nothing close to a near death, white light sort of experience, but it was enough to make me realize what my mom has been telling me --that our negative thoughts direct our negative outcomes. I became so pissed off with the world, with the cards I was dealt, that I blinded myself to my part in it all. Granted, I am no where near to being the person that sees the glass half full, but it is a start.
Part of this transition is due to the 14 amazing individuals I have met and grown with this past year. You are nothing close to the “nerds” and “tree huggers” I anticipated coming into this program. I no longer feel alien, the odd man out; instead, I feel connected to each and every one of you. It is funny how different we all are, yet how strikingly similar. It gives me hope for Uganda, a point of entry that I can cling to. So often barriers are built between people because of race, gender, language, economic and social status, and religion, that we are no longer able to see that a line has been crossed somewhere. Humans become “the other”, they are treated as something parasitic or ‘dirty’, in need of a good sterilization or expulsion. I do not claim to know everything about the history and turmoil that created this rift, but I do know that it is time to stop the blame game, and time to work towards change. Maybe the world needs a good shake or ‘car accident’ to understand this.
Many people do not understand why I chose Beyond Borders. I could have volunteered with a church (it would have been less work that is for sure), or I could have volunteered in Kitchener-Waterloo (contributed to ‘our’ people, whatever that means). While I do see the value of both these directions, I saw something in Beyond Borders that I needed more —the push. I needed a program that would challenge me everyday to face my fears, a program that would thrust me into a world unknown, without my bearings to catch me. It is one thing to travel to all-inclusive resorts, but a whole other thing to see the other side: the side drenched in poverty, disease, and pain. Some may think I am crazy for wanting to see this side; in fact, I know some of you think this way. But, I truly believe that to be human, to be fully human, it is not enough to live in our tiny bubbles and claim sanctuary. To be fully human means to step on shaky ground once in a while, to learn to connect, to live for oneself and for others, and to love, despite those barriers that divide us.
